You Probably Know More Than You Think. You Just Need a Clearer Picture.

Most of us aren’t starting from zero. We’re starting from an estimate. Real change begins when we’re willing to get a clearer picture of where we actually are.

“I know something needs to change. I just don’t know where to start.”

I hear some version of that a lot.

But do you really not know?

For years, I basically guesstimated my bank account.

Honestly, I wasn’t that far off.

I knew roughly what was coming in and going out. I knew when I had some breathing room, and I definitely knew when things were getting a little tight.

That worked probably 90% of the time.

Until it didn’t.

An unexpected expense would hit. Something would cost more than I thought. Or I’d get toward the end of the month and realize things were a little closer than I was comfortable with.

I wasn’t clueless about my finances.

I had a picture. It just wasn’t a very clear one.

I think a lot of us do the exact same thing with our lives.

“I’m a little unhealthy.”

“My relationship is basically okay.”

“I probably spend too much.”

“I’m stressed, but I’m handling it.”

“I really need to get my shit together.”

We’re probably not completely wrong.

We’re working from estimates.

And estimates work pretty well.

Until they don’t.

You Probably Know More Than You Think

This is something that both plagues me and excites me when someone walks through my door.

Most people aren’t clueless about their lives.

They usually know something isn’t working. They know the area that’s bothering them and, a lot of the time, they already have some idea of what needs to change.

That’s actually a pretty good place to start.

You’re not starting from nothing.

But there’s a difference between knowing something is off and seeing it clearly enough to actually work on it.

That’s where we start.

We get a better picture.

And that clear picture?

That’s the sauce that makes the spaghetti great.

I believe heavily in foundational work.

I’m a basics guy.

Before we start talking about changing your entire life, becoming your “best self,” or whatever else sounds great on social media, I want to know:

What are we actually working with?

What’s going right?

What’s going wrong?

Where are you struggling?

What have you been estimating instead of actually looking at?

What have you gotten really good at avoiding?

Pretty basic stuff.

But basic doesn’t mean easy.

Looking Can Suck

Want a clearer picture of your finances?

Open the account.

Want to know where your health really stands?

Look honestly at how you’re eating, sleeping, moving, and taking care of yourself.

Think your relationship is “basically okay”?

Okay.

How do you actually talk to each other?

What conversation have you been avoiding?

This is where it gets harder.

Because sometimes getting the clear picture we need means looking directly at something we’ve gotten pretty damn good at looking around.

Believe me, I know.

I’m not as put together as I’d like to think I am.

There are plenty of things in my own life I can estimate with the best of them.

And when I finally look at something I’ve been avoiding, my first thought isn’t always some great therapeutic insight.

Sometimes it’s:

“What a loser.”

“How did you let this happen?”

“You know better than this.”

“You should’ve handled this already.”

I’ve had those thoughts.

I’m guessing I’m not the only one.

And I think that’s where this gets interesting.

Maybe It’s Not the Problem You’re Avoiding

Sometimes we aren’t avoiding the problem itself.

We’re avoiding what we’re going to say to ourselves when we finally look at it.

Maybe it’s not the debt.

It’s what that number is going to make you think about yourself.

Maybe it’s not the scale.

It’s the judgment that comes right after seeing the number.

Maybe it’s not the conversation.

It’s what you might have to admit once you finally have it.

There’s a big difference between:

“I don’t like this situation, and I get that it needs to change.”

and

“I don’t like this situation, so there must be something wrong with me.”

Those aren’t the same thing.

You can have debt without being a failure.

You can be out of shape without being worthless.

You can struggle in your relationship without being incapable of having a good one.

You can make a bad decision without being a bad person.

And you can make a mess of something without deciding you are the mess.

That’s part of the work too.

Information, Not Ammunition

I’m not saying we let ourselves off the hook.

Actually, I think it’s the opposite.

Accountability requires accurate information.

If something isn’t working, I want to know.

If I’m contributing to the problem, I probably need to know that too.

Pretending something isn’t there isn’t accountability.

Looking at it is.

But accountability doesn’t require kicking the shit out of ourselves either.

We’re looking for information, not ammunition.

We’re not building a case against ourselves.

We’re trying to figure out what we’re working with so we can decide what to do next.

Maybe change doesn’t need to start with some giant plan.

Take a look.

Tell yourself the truth.

Figure out what you’re actually dealing with.

Then we can work.

Look. Understand. Choose. Practice. Repeat.

This is what I keep coming back to, both in my work with people and in my own life.

Look

Get the clearest picture you reasonably can.

Not what you hope is happening.

Not the absolute disaster your brain tells you is happening when you’re having a shitty day.

What’s actually happening?

Start there.

Understand

Now we try to figure out why.

What’s contributing to it?

What’s actually working?

Where do you keep getting stuck?

What are you doing that’s helping, and what are you doing that’s making things worse?

We’re not looking only for problems either. If something is working, I want to know that too.

Understanding something doesn’t mean excusing it.

It means we’re trying to solve the right problem.

Choose

This is where I think people get overwhelmed.

You see everything that’s wrong and suddenly decide you’re going to change 37 things by Monday.

I’ve done it.

It doesn’t work particularly well.

What actually needs your attention right now?

What can wait?

What’s within your control?

Pick something that matters and start there.

You don’t need 20 targets. You need the next one.

Practice

This is probably my favorite part.

I believe in shooting 1,000 free throws so we can make the 50 baskets life actually asks us to make.

Communication is a skill.

Managing money involves skills.

Emotional regulation involves skills.

Boundaries are skills.

Difficult conversations take skills.

And skills need practice.

You can read about free throws all day.

Eventually you have to pick up the ball.

You can understand boundaries perfectly and still struggle like hell to set one when someone you love is standing in front of you.

You can know everything you’re “supposed” to do when you’re angry and still have trouble doing it when you’re actually pissed off.

That’s why I believe in the basics.

We practice before we need them.

Not because we’re going to get everything right.

We won’t.

We practice so when life puts the ball in our hands, we’ve taken the shot before.

Repeat

Then we do it again.

Life changes.

Relationships change.

Bodies change.

Finances change.

We change.

Something that worked five years ago might not work anymore.

That doesn’t necessarily mean you screwed something up.

Maybe it’s just time to take another look.

That’s not starting over.

That’s life.

Turns Out, the Basics Matter

There’s actually research behind a lot of this.

Research on behavior change has consistently pointed to the value of monitoring our behavior and progress. There’s also a well-established gap between wanting or intending to change and actually doing it.

In other words, knowing matters—but knowing alone usually isn’t enough.

Research around self-compassion also gives us something important to think about. Treating ourselves with less self-condemnation doesn’t mean giving ourselves permission to avoid responsibility. Being able to face a problem without turning it into a verdict on our worth can actually support healthier behavior and self-regulation.

Underneath all my talk about bank accounts, spaghetti sauce, and free throws, the idea is pretty simple:

Looking matters.

Knowing isn’t the same as doing.

Practice matters.

And beating the shit out of yourself isn’t a requirement for getting better.

I think that’s good news.

You don’t have to wait until you hate your life enough to change it.

You don’t need some dramatic rock-bottom moment.

You don’t need January 1st.

And you definitely don’t need to wake up Monday morning and become an entirely different person.

You need to figure out where you actually are.

Then we can figure out where you’re going.

So Where Do You Start?

If you’re thinking:

“I know something needs to change, but I don’t know where to start.”

Pick an area of your life that’s been asking for your attention.

Then take a look.

Ask yourself:

• What do I actually know?

• What am I estimating?

• What’s going right?

• What’s not working?

• What have I been avoiding looking at?

• What am I afraid I’m going to think about myself when I finally look?

• What genuinely needs my attention next?

You don’t have to fix everything you find.

You don’t even have to know how to fix it yet.

We’re not there yet.

First, get the picture.

Because once you know where you actually are, figuring out where to go next gets a whole lot easier.

Look. Understand. Choose. Practice. Repeat.

Nothing revolutionary.

Mostly basics.

But I’ve come to believe the basics matter a hell of a lot more than we give them credit for.

Shoot the free throws.

Have the conversation.

Open the bank account.

Take an honest look.

Then take the next shot.

That’s foundational work.

And that’s where I’d start.

Start With Your Foundation

If you’ve been saying, “I know something needs to change,” but you’re not sure where to begin, don’t try to fix your whole life this week.

Start by getting a clearer picture.

The HYB Foundations Audit is designed to help you look honestly at the major areas of your life, recognize what’s already working, identify what needs attention, and decide where to start.

No giant life overhaul.

Take an honest look.

Find your next step.

Then start practicing the basics.

Evidence Behind the Ideas

The ideas in this article are informed by established behavior-change research, including research on self-monitoring and goal progress, the gap between intentions and actual behavior, and the relationship between self-compassion, self-regulation, and health-related behavior.

The research matters.

But the takeaway doesn’t need to be complicated:

Get the picture. Work the basics. Take the next shot.